thoughts from july
Why am I so fucking polite?
Yesterday I went to the sf gay pride parade. Me and 499,999 other people, according to the news reports. And, while I was standing in line for one of the porta-potties, I noticed a black man in a black hat standing right next to me.
Like, right next to me.
And it was after a minute of waiting that I noticed his hand in my pocket, tugging at my wallet. He noticed me noticing and started to walk away.
And I could see plainly about four wallets stuffed in the pocket of his brown pants.
And, with every ounce of anger at this attempted invasion I could muster, I looked right at him and said:
"Do you mind?"
Last night I was talking with an old friend for the first time in 2+ years. We talked about old and new, patterns and life....
At some point I found myself saying: there are things I believe because I know them to be true, in my heart. And there are things I believe because it makes this whole messy life easier to swallow.
Whatever it takes. Whatever it takes to get by. Whatever makes the bitter pills easier to swallow. Whatever it takes to filter out all the bullshit and focus on what's important. Whatever it takes to hold on to the hope.... I'm all for it.
I'm just not used to feeling this cynical.
Wanna know how to forget about all the small, annoying things in the world? Hold a purring kitten on your chest for a minute. Watch it watch the world. Feel it's claws poke through your clothing just a bit.
And every once in a while it looks at you - right through you - and you can't think about anything else.
This weekend drue and I got a cat.
I learned the most about love from a woman my first year in college. I was used to feeling things that I couldn't communicate to anyone. They wouldn't understand. But, slowly, I got her to trust me - and me to trust her. And the single greatest thing I learned is that some people do understand what's going on inside of me ... because they feel it too.
I was eating a burrito today at my favorite burrito shop when it struck me:
This burrito sucks.
I've been eating at this place for over two years. How could I have missed it? It's funny how an opinion can change so quickly ... especially after so much time.
Another day, another plane. This time I'm flying to Portland, Oregon, for a meeting with a client. Or, rather, a client of a client. Or ... as Lance would say ... something.
I obsess a little about planes. I remember being both exhilarated and terrified by them as a child. I remember that tight feeling in the pit of my stomach at liftoff and the thunderous woosh of the engines during the landing.
But airplanes aren't magic anymore. I've flown them too much. They're just transportation now - busses in the air.
And I hate losing magic.
Friday the 13th and I'm getting on a plane. Great.
I'm going home today because tomorrow my little sister is graduating from college. My little sister. Graduating.
And I can't help but remember all the darkness that followed my own graduation. The darkness that is now, two years later, just beginning to clear up.
I remember that for my graduation present, Jenny bought me this beautiful candle holder with a star and a moon cut out so you can see them glow. I remember burning that candle in my own darkness. I remember staring into it until that little moon was burned into my retinas.
And I fear for the dark times my little sister will face in the coming two years.
For her graduation, I bought her a lamp.
I've had this spoken word cd for months now and I've never listened to it. Until tonight. One poet, Ellis Paul, had this wonderful piece about coming home to a lover who's already in bed asleep (something I've been doing too much of lately). Toward the end, there was one line that reverberated in my mind over and over: "It sounds like a promise when whispered half asleep."
I'm still not sure why.
And it's funny. I've always looked at the stories in fray like songs: storytelling and emotion. And what's the single biggest topic in songwriting? Love. Love love love heartbreak love love blah blah. (Can you tell I used to write a lot of songs?). Anyway, it's funny because we haven't covered it in fray yet. I guess that's because it's done better in actual songs. It just looks so wrong in ascii....