{ jenn powazek }

This is Jenn's old site. Her new site is located at powazek.com/jenn.

{ jenntrooper }
...in the ultimate search of what makes me happy in this lifetime.

10/01/2000 - 10/31/2000
11/01/2000 - 11/30/2000
12/01/2000 - 12/31/2000
01/01/2001 - 01/31/2001
02/01/2001 - 02/28/2001
03/01/2001 - 03/31/2001
04/01/2001 - 04/30/2001
05/01/2001 - 05/31/2001
06/01/2001 - 06/30/2001
07/01/2001 - 07/31/2001
08/01/2001 - 08/31/2001
09/01/2001 - 09/30/2001
10/01/2001 - 10/31/2001
11/01/2001 - 11/30/2001
12/01/2001 - 12/31/2001
01/01/2002 - 01/31/2002
02/01/2002 - 02/28/2002
03/01/2002 - 03/31/2002
04/01/2002 - 04/30/2002
05/01/2002 - 05/31/2002
06/01/2002 - 06/30/2002
07/01/2002 - 07/31/2002
08/01/2002 - 08/31/2002
09/01/2002 - 09/30/2002
10/01/2002 - 10/31/2002
11/01/2002 - 11/30/2002

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Wednesday, February 28, 2001

Yes, I did go to Camp Hess Kramer! How did you find me? Who are you? Email me!
* 7:00 PM

I have friends and family in Seattle......I hope they survived ok through the earthquake!
* 6:58 PM

Got home in time for Dawson's! Had a good cry on the phone with my Mom. I feel much better. Thank you, Mom. Sweet dreams....
* 6:52 PM

Still at work.....at least I'll get a voucher for a car ride home! Hopefully I will get to leave in the next half hour.......we'll see.
* 3:16 PM

"I don't care what you say anymore this is MY LIFE. Go ahead with your own life, leave me alone!" -Billy Joel
* 1:52 PM

At least Dawson's Creek is on tonight. That makes me happy. I can't wait until Felicity is back on. I love that show. And NO, I am not a Survivor watcher, nor a closet Survivor watcher. I'd much rather watch Friends. Plus this week, Wynona Rider is supposed to share a lesbian kiss with Jennifer Aniston. Come on, you know you want to see that!
* 1:12 PM

I think I need to just go away this weekend. Somewhere by myself.....or not....I don't know. Maybe I will get a massage....that is always helpful. I just want someone to lay next to me and rub my back and tell me everything is going to be alright. Is that too much to ask for?
* 1:02 PM

Yeah! France posted her Lorna Luft story! Thank you so much for doing that. I think all of us singers should go out karaoking some night! *hee hee hee*
* 12:53 PM

....angry at myself for letting it affect me so much. He's moving on.....why can't I? I'm not sure staying in touch with him is the best idea right now. I just don't know......
* 12:46 PM

I'm falling apart all over again......but this time, I'm more angry...
* 12:22 PM

"Fuck you, and your untouchable face...and fuck you, for existing in the first place. And who am I, that I should be dying for your touch......who am I....I bet you can't even tell me that much." -Ani Difranco
* 11:06 AM

Just talked to Jon......I feel like I'm going to throw up....
* 10:09 AM

Brrrr....it's cold out. Only supposed to be a high of 35 degrees today....and the winds are blowin! Right now it is 28 degrees, but it feels like 15 degrees!
* 6:23 AM

Tuesday, February 27, 2001

Buffy was intense, spagetti was good, bed is warm......going to sleep early. Have to be at work at 8:00 which means waking up at 5:30!
* 6:24 PM

Feeling anxious......Jon's show is tonight.....I need to just let it go. I'm not going to be there! I've called and left him a good luck message.......he called me and left me a message, thanking me for my message...... I've done all I can do. He said he'd call me when the show's over and he has some time. Now, all I can do is chill here in my pajamas, watch Buffy, have some dinner, and go to bed. No reason to get anxious over this..... I'm sure the show is going to be great without me there.....
* 4:07 PM

I watched the Judy Garland specials last night and the night before. I've been exchanging Judy Garland, Liza Minnelli, and Lorna Luft stories with my new friend, France. She's got a great story about Lorna. Maybe she'll post it on her site! (no pressure!) Thinking about The Wizard of Oz, I started having memories of High School. My Freshman year, our school did The Wizard of Oz. I was cast as Dorothy and was so excited. I remember there was this Senior who was also up for Dorothy and was so mad that I got it. She told me she was going to "kick my ass after school!" Thank goodness she never did. My brother was cast as the Scarecrow! Although we weren't in the same cast. Because there were so many students, there were two separate classes/casts. We never got to perform together. However, we did work on our lines together at home!

There was this thing that our high school did called "the honors cast". The last performance was a combination of casts. The teacher picked (supposedly) the best performers from each cast and made up one single cast. It was a big deal. They posted the cast list on the door the night before the "Honors Performance". Derek and I both weren't picked. I remember being so upset. I hated that teacher. Not just for that but because he was a horrible person and an awful teacher. He made me cry many times by embarrassing me in front of all the other students. He called me "Powazinack". Some students really loved him.......for some reason, he just didn't like me..........and I didn't like him either.

Anyway, back to Wizard of Oz memories....... When I was in college, I dated this guy who happened to be living at Lorna Luft's (Judy Garland's second daughter) house. He knew her from a tour of Guys and Dolls that they'd done together. She was away on another tour and he was in town doing Beauty and the Beast. She told him he could stay at her house while she was gone. So, during the first two months of our relationship, I was spending the night at Lorna's house up on Mullholland hill, in Lorna's bed!! All over the house, there were pictures of Judy Garland and memorabilia from all of the different times in her life. There was even one, original ruby slipper in a glass case. I was in heaven. I remember staring at that shoe forever! Although, the house was kind of creepy at night. There was this one black and white picture of Judy at the end of the hallway. It was as tall as the wall itself. That picture was really freaky in the dark, late at night.

And finally, my Liza story. I was still dating the Beauty and the Beast boy........he and his cast were performing a number from the show on the Jerry Lewis Telethon. So, I went along for the taping. Liza did the closing number of the telethon. She sang And The World Goes Round. She was over-weight, strung out, and sounded horrible. The poor thing was a mess! After the show, my friend Rick approached Liza and asked for her autograph on one of her cd's. She blew him off and said, "I'm leaving. I need to get to work." as she got into her limo. Rick was so mad. As he was walking away, he muttered under his breath, "Yeah, you better work on your act!" Unfortunately, I think Liza inherited many of her mother's nasty habits.

One more funny tidbit. In the movie, The Wizard of Oz, I couldn't watch the parts with the witch in it until High School! It gave me nightmares. The wicked witch really scared me......still kind of does!
* 12:41 PM

I just got a five dollar bill back with a big ole 23 on it!!! That's my lucky number! I am so stoked. Unfortunately, now I have five dollars less because I won't spend it. I have two other one dollar bills that have 23's on them. One of them I've had since 1996! I think I'll start a pot of bills with 23's on them and then buy something special for myself with it.
* 9:25 AM

So many Jon's in my life!! Jon (my ex-boyfriend)- his show he directed, Passion, opens tonight. I'm kind of bummed I won't be there to see it. I was looking forward to seeing it........under different circumstances. I do hope it goes really well. I know he put a lot of time and effort into it. I'm sending good vibes.......
* 6:59 AM

Today is my friend, Jon Stewart's birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JON!!
* 6:54 AM

What do you think about my sites new design? Derek and I worked on it yesterday. I like it a lot. Thank you big brother!!
* 6:53 AM

Monday, February 26, 2001

Guess what.........JON CALLED!!! I am so proud of myself for sticking it out and waiting for him to call. He just left a message on my machine at home saying "hello". We've yet to speak..... I called him back and left a message on his machine. We'll see........I'm just glad he finally called. Oh, and Craig Carnelia called me back to let me know he doesn't have room in his class again but he would love to work with me and maybe there will be room in his next class in May. Whatever....
* 5:17 PM

Eeeeeeeekkkkkk....I need to start on my taxes! No need to get overwhelmed ..... no anxiety attack needed. I will work on them next weekend. It'll be fun. I'll light some candles, put on some music and just sit down with all the thousands of receipts I kept from this last year. OY!
* 1:25 PM

Auditions coming up this week and next......I am hoping to be well enough to go. I also called Craig Carnelia today (the composer that I had an amazing audition with a couple of months ago). I just reminded him that I was still interested in working with him and to see if he had any openings in his next class. Hopefully he will call me back with some good news. I'm trying to get back on my feet!
* 11:52 AM

"Trying to hold on to a relationship that is not mutual, is inherently self-destructive" - good advice from my Daddy.
* 10:11 AM

Oh yeah- I got lots of hugs from David last night....... I think I had enough to be in the "happy" bracket!
* 8:06 AM

Not feeling too well today. My stomach is a big ole mess. My friend, David came over last night. He's the one who stayed with me all 8 hours at the ER. We love David!! So, I told him I'd buy him dinner as a thank you.......whatever he wanted. He wanted pizza......so, pizza it was. I had a couple bites of a piece and couldn't handle it. I haven't been right since. I think pizza is way too heavy for my tummy right now. Bummer- it smelled good! We watched Drop Dead Gorgeous, which in on my top 5 favorite movies list. It makes me laugh so hard. David had never seen it before. Then we watched the first half of the Judy Garland tv-movie. Oh my gosh..... it was amazing. The woman who played young Judy Garland was so much like the real Judy, it was scary. I have the vcr ready to record the second half tonight.
* 7:59 AM

Sunday, February 25, 2001

"The time between meeting and finally leaving is sometimes called falling in love." - Lisa Loeb
* 6:02 PM

Saturday, February 24, 2001

This book I'm reading called "How to Survive the Loss of a Love", sent to me by my step-mom, suggests that you should have 3 hugs per day to keep you alive, 5 to keep you grounded, and 9 or more to be happy. No wonder I'm a mess! Damn...... I had one yesterday! None today......but lots of love from the kitties!
* 7:41 PM

"I never tried to give my life meaning by demeaning you, and I would like to state for the record, I did everything that I could do. I'm not saying I'm a saint, I just don't want to live that way. I'll never be a saint.....
Someday you might find you are starving and eating all of the words that you just said....."
-Ani Difranco
* 7:35 PM

i still haven't called Jon.........he still hasn't called either.....grrrrrrr......
* 6:56 PM

After feeding Phoenix, I took the subway into the city. While I was transfering trains at 42nd Street, I decided to get out and see what movies were playing at the huge new AMC in Times Square. I had no plans for tonight so, why not take myself to a movie. I was SO stoked to see that Recess was playing in 5 minutes!! So, I quickly bought a ticket, rushed upstairs, bought some popcorn (that I didn't even eat), and got a great seat, just in time! I am a huge fan of the cartoon Recess. The movie was EXCELLENT....totally funny. There's this great part where Ms. Sphinster, the rather large Recess duty lady, slides down a rope from the ceiling, walks right up to the bad teacher guy and says, "Hey teacher, leave those kids alone!" I laughed so hard.... I think I was thee only one out of all the little kids that got that line! I'm so glad I went there tonight. I needed a good laugh. Plus, it always makes you feel invigorated after going and seeing a movie by yourself.
* 6:55 PM

Phoenix was so happy to see me today. I gave him lots of food and sat and talked to him for a while. He seemed happy......and hungry! I apologized to him and told him I'd be back in a day to feed him again. Thank goodness he was ok.....I don't think I would've been able to handle another loss.
* 6:46 PM

I've got to go back to Astoria today to feed Phoenix. I hope he's still alive and swimming around......it has been
two days..... but I heard beta's can go for a couple of days without being fed. I will be so bummed if I killed another fish.
* 7:25 AM

Gyrotonics is amazing!! I got such a great workout. DJ was brutal at times but my body totally needed it. It is so out of alignment. Hopefully I can get in a workout once a week.
* 7:20 AM

Friday, February 23, 2001

off to meet DJ and work out!
* 2:17 PM

this sucks........waiting sucks.......and wondering sucks..........and breaking up TOTALLY sucks.....
* 2:00 PM

i am not going to call him..........since we broke up, i have always been the one to call. After our last conversation on Sunday, I vowed that I will not call him next. I will wait until he calls me!. And of course the waiting brings on the anxiety. It is a vicious cycle.......
* 1:53 PM

Oh yeah- more bad Jon dreams last night....... don't even want to go into this one.
* 1:48 PM

i want to call him, i want to call him, i want to call him, i want to call him, i want to call him..... that's all i can think about right now. i keep checking my answering machine to see if maybe he's called so i have a reason to call him back. grrrrrrrrrrr.....these are the moments i feel most vulnerable and weak.
* 1:46 PM

I am meeting DJ tonight for a private gyrotonic lesson. I really don't know what it is......it's some form of exercise kind of like pilates....but you work on this machine thing. I will let you know how it goes!
* 1:00 PM

They had cheesecake for someone's birthday here in the office. I really can't do anything dairy yet..... but, it looked so good! I had three bites of someone else's slice. It was AMAZING. I hope it doesn't give me any "issues" tonight! :)
* 12:17 PM

JOY!! It is my lucky day. They had my favorite soup downstairs in the cafeteria- tomato basil rice! I am so happy!!
* 10:33 AM

On my way to work this morning, I stopped in the Gap and bought two pairs of pants that are SO cute. I just can't believe they are a size 2. Craziness....
* 7:22 AM

Being that 23 is my lucky number and today being the 23rd, something brilliant and exciting should happen today. Or, maybe it'll just be a GOOD day.......that would be nice too.
* 7:20 AM

Thursday, February 22, 2001

On my way home, I stopped in the Gap to try on some new, cute clothes. Can you believe, I am a size TWO!! And that was kinda loose too. That is so scary. This girl needs to be eating some more!!
* 4:43 PM

Yipppee....my new laptop is working from home. It is covered in snow outside.....I just can't believe it!
* 4:40 PM

Good luck tonight on your Opening Night, Jon Stewart. His show, Avenue X, opens tonight at the Cincinatti Playhouse!! Break a leg! Merde!
* 2:03 PM

It's snowing!! The weather report says it is 23 degrees out but feels like ONE DEGREE!! brrrrr..... they say there will be 4-6 inches of snowfall tonight!
* 12:33 PM

I just found out my friends Jill and Dave broke up too! Geesh.... the planets are shifting.....things just aren't right in the universe. First Anne and Ellen, then Melissa and Julie, then me and Jon, then Tom and Nicole, and now Jill and Dave.........AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
* 11:14 AM

Lipton's cup of tomato soup and Ritz crackers for lunch......hopefully that will be more kind to my tummy.
* 10:38 AM

"Being a mess and being emotional is a beautiful thing." -advice from my friend, Jenn Olsen. She's the best!
* 10:17 AM

How about the Grammy's last night? I thought Eminem was on his best behavior. I actually enjoyed his duet with Elton John. I prefer the song with Dido singing back up but Elton sounded good. Can I just say Madonna looks amazing! She was DANC-ING!! And Dolly Pardon rocked the stage! hee hee hee! I am totally not into her but she gave a great performance and looked flawless. 'NSYNC sounded amazing and I love what they did with the set. I thought Jon Stewart lacked charisma and wasn't very funny, but all in all, the show was great!
* 9:44 AM

I got an email from Lisa the other day (Jon's sister-in-law). Her advice was to listen to Alanis Morrissette really loud.....which totally works. But, on the way to work this morning, I was listening to Paula Cole's This Fire. Man, she was speaking to me! Some of those songs say exactly how I'm feeling.

"I am walking on the bridge, I am over the water, and I'm scared as hell, but I know there's something better, yes I know there's something better." -Me

I'm alive, gotta piece of my heart, on the sole of your shoe. I've got a little bit of thunder, trapped inside of a cloud." -Mississippi

"I'm shaken. I'm getting down this fantasy and I'm shaken. I'm getting down this, getting down this, you were not my superman. I didn't know, just how I felt." -Nietzche's Eyes
* 8:48 AM

I didn't eat something right yesterday. I thought, Since I'm barely eating anyway, I should eat something that sounds good to me. So, I had a half of a sandwich with mozerrella, red peppers, and greens. It's usually one of my favorites but it was ALL WRONG. It took until 10:00 this morning for it to completely leave my body (not to be too gross or anything). I don't think my body is quite ready for solid foods yet! It's back to soup and crackers.
So, I came in late to work. Thank goodness they like me here. On my way up, I picked up some new bandaids! *smile* I LOVE bandaids, I collect them..... they make me happy. I got the new Arthur ones. They are very cute.
* 8:32 AM

Wednesday, February 21, 2001

Don't feel so good.....think I am going to go home. Take note of my new address on the powazek server. Pretty cool, huh! *smile*
* 1:14 PM

Tech note! Big brother Derek here to say that jenn23 is coming home to the powazek server! You can now find her at http://powazek.com/jenny/. See you there!
* 12:47 PM

Yipppeeee! All of my archived blogs are now available, thanks to my big brother!! Thank you, Derek!
* 12:17 PM

I love the fact that I am getting paid good money to just sit here but I am sooooooo bored!
* 10:59 AM

I was just browsing through Jane magazine when this quote made me laugh out loud!

"I like the top of my husband's butt crack because the hair there is really soft and warm. But, I don't put my face into his actual butt crack."

* 9:48 AM

This made me laugh today!
* 8:17 AM

I forgot to mention, I got a fish!! Actually, I got two, but one already died! I bought this kick ass, vertical fish tank, with a light inside and cool looking plants and rocks. I got a beautiful, red beta and this really cool looking orange, white and black goldfish. The people at the pet store told me that they would get along ok together (knowing that a beta is a fighting fish). Were they trying to be funny? As soon as I put them in the tank together, the beta started attacking the goldfish. When beta's attack, they blow themselves up full of air and their gills stand out! It's amazing.

Well, the goldfish wasn't taking the beta's shit, so I named it Spanelli. If you've seen the cartoon Recess (there is a movie out too!), you'd know that Spanelli is this little kid who dresses funky and never feels threatened to speak her mind. Her character is totally spunky and always prevails in her many adventures. I thought my goldfish embodied those characteristics!

I ended up having to separate the two fish. I put Spanelli in her own little bowl. She made it for a couple of days but then I found her floating at the top of the bowl. I think the beta had taken one bite too many out of Spanelli! :(

The beta is doing fine though. I've named him Phoenix. In the dictionary, phoenix is defined as

1. Mythology. A bird in Egyptian mythology that lived in the desert for 500 years and then consumed itself by fire, later to rise renewed from its ashes.
2. A person or thing of unsurpassed excellence or beauty; a paragon.

He represents strength, beauty, and excellence......everything I am striving to be.
* 7:38 AM

I had a horrible dream last night......woke up crying. I dreamt that Jon and I were living together in this big house. We had broken up and I was packing up all of my stuff and loading up my truck. His mom was there and she was glaring at me and yelling at me. I can't remember exactly what she was saying but I know it was hurtful.....something about how she knew I wasn't a good person all along and how wrong I was for Jon. I finished loading all of the stuff and just looked at them standing in the doorway as I drove off. I woke up sobbing, realizing just how much I am going to miss his parents. They are thee most caring and accepting people I've ever met. Breaking up isn't always just about the loss of the person you were involved with. It's also about losing their family and those you've become close to through that person.
* 7:11 AM

Powazek isn't a very common name. One could assume that if there is another Powazek out there, they are probably a relative of mine. Yes, Derek is my big brother! *smile*
* 6:37 AM

Where are my December posts? Does anyone know how to get them back? I tried refreshing my archives but they aren't even listed there! Grrrrrr... please email me and let me know!
* 6:29 AM

Tuesday, February 20, 2001

Mission accomplished- home James......
* 1:54 PM

I get to go home soon! Staying in Brooklyn means my commute is cut in half. It will only take me a 1/2 hour to get home! Yippppeeeee. I survived my first day back at work! I am so stoked. And I only wanted to call Jon five times. That's not too bad, is it?
* 1:42 PM

How long does it take, after being depressed, for your appetite to come back? I'm ready to eat, I'm just not sure my stomach is. It can handle a few bites, but then it's done. How frustrating.
* 12:18 PM

It scares me that everyone I've seen today has said, "Oh my gosh, you are so thin. Are you ok?"
* 12:14 PM

I'm thinking about moving back to California. Not tomorrow, and not next week, but maybe this summer. I don't know, I keep going back and forth about it. I talked to my friend, Ryan about making a road trip out of it. It might be fun!!
* 11:12 AM

Talked to Jon on Sunday. How come he seems so fine with things while I'm such a mess!? He told me he's happier without this relationship. Ouch, my heart! But then he said he missed me.................i told him that i miss him too.
* 11:10 AM

Check out France's webpage. She's got an interesting story about the importance of passing down information to the next generation. If my Grandpa were still alive, I know I wouldn't be so scared to ask more questions. He was so scarred from his experience in WWII.....he never really wanted to talk about it. I wish I knew more about his struggle for freedom.
* 10:35 AM

sleepy.........Annette bought me Twizzlers. She is the best!
* 9:32 AM

I'm reading Written on the Body, by Jeanette Winterson. I just started it and can totally relate to this phrase.....

Love demands expression. It will not stay still, stay silent, be good, be modest, be seen and not heard, no. It will break out in tongues of praise, the high note that smashes the glass and spills the liquid. It is no conservationist love. It is a big game hunter and you are the game.

Hmmmm.... ponder that one.
* 7:19 AM

Geesh, my thoughts are scatterred today. I just reread that paragraph and it is ALL over the place. Ah well, blame it on the medication.
* 6:50 AM

I am house/catsitting for my friends Andrea and Joel this week. They've got a great place in Brooklyn and two incredibly cute and cuddley cats named Callie and Kansas. (Andrea's from California and Joel is from Kansas, just in case you were wondering) It's nice to be away from my place for a little bit. My apartment has so many memories of me and Jon. Sometimes it's hard to even just sit in my room. Last night, I didn't sleep too well. The kitties were clawing at my head and wanted to play all night plus, I was at a new place and wasn't all that comfortable. I think I'll sleep with the door closed tonight. Sorry kitties, a girl needs her beauty sleep!
* 6:48 AM

Back at work today. It's weird....I haven't been in for a while, yet everything is exactly the same. Everyone has been really nice and supportive.
* 6:44 AM

Sunday, February 18, 2001

I think I'm going to go rent some movies and stay in tonight. That's been the usual for the last two weeks but it still sounds good. Rest and relaxation and refocusing is good......
* 11:30 AM

Hey Heather, thank you for the gift I got in the mail and the phone call. That was so kind of you. It really made me smile. I hope to talk to you real soon. :)
* 11:25 AM

I'm sitting here at Burger King in Times Square...... Did you know that they have internet access!! All you have to do is order something and they give you a code. Score- I had to come into the city today to meet my friend Andrea to pick up her keys. I'm cat-sitting for her and her boy for the next week in Brooklyn.

No, I am still not better.....I am on lots of drugs though. I just don't feel like myself. I started therapy yesterday. We'll see if that does anything for me. Tonight there is a party for my friend Foote. She is leaving on Tuesday to go on the National tour of Annie Get Your Gun!!! Good for her. I'm so proud of her......I don't think I will be able to party this evening though. I just don't feel well enough.
* 11:22 AM

Wednesday, February 14, 2001

I'm going home! I think I'll just sleep through this valentine's day.
* 6:53 AM

AND, my thyroid is normal so the Doctor just thinks I have an anxiety disorder. great..........
* 6:52 AM

STILL SICK! Now I have a chest cold on top of everything else. How happy am I. I haven't been to work all week, and I finally came in today.....they took one look at me, and are sending me home. I look awful.

Oh yeah, Happy Friggin Valentine's Day. I hope yours is much better than mine.

Sorry I haven't blogged much. My computer is dead.....I got my new laptop from my friend Kevin, here at work today. I will take it home and see if it works. It's a really cute IBM Thinkpad! Like I said, Kevin Rocks!!
* 6:50 AM

Saturday, February 10, 2001

Well, after I left work Thursday night, I got really shaky. I felt nauseous on the subway and really light headed. By the time I got home, I was falling apart. I thought maybe I needed to eat, so I had a bowl of soup and some crackers. After an hour, I was still shaking and totally nauseous and my heart was racing. I couldn't even sit down I was so antsy. I called my mom and dad, trying to figure out what I should do. I decided to call my friend, lifesaver, David Baida. He came right over and immediately took me to the ER at Rooselvelt Hospital. On our way there, I went into carpal spasms. This is where your entire body goes numb and all of your appendages, fingers included, start to curl in and you can't open them. They were ice cold......and I was freaking out. When we got there, an EMT named Ryan helped me get into a wheel chair and tried to calm me down. He said that what I was experiencing was normal for panic attacks.

I was at the ER for 7 HOURS!! I got there at 9:00 and finally was seen around 4:00 AM and I got home around 5:45. They took lots of tests, gave me an IV of different stuff, did an EKG, checked my heart......everything came back normal. Dr. Silver thought it could be my thyroid was hyperactive but he wouldn't find out the answer to those tests for another couple of days. SO, they sent me home.....still shaky, still anxious, still not feeling good.

I woke up Friday afternoon and called one of the doctors that Merrill Lynch had recommended. Somehow, I got an appointment with Dr. Sonenblick. She is awesome. I took a cab right over there to NYU hospital. She thinks it might be my thyroid also and took more blood and said that she will have the answers to that test on Monday. She was so kind. She barely charged me for the visit, since I have no health insurance, and she gave me Adavante for my anxiousness and Prevacid for my upset tummy! Thank the lord for this Doctor. The medication is working out ok. It is sedating me and making me very calm.. It is the first time in TWO weeks that I've been calm. I am slowly eating, trying to eat more.........taking it easy. I don't think I've ever been so scared in my WHOLE entire life. Thank goodness for David Baida who stayed with me all night and all morning. Even when they said visiting hours were over, he waited in the waiting room with all of the homeless, crazy people for another 45 minutes when visiting hours resumed. He is an angel.

If it is my thyroid, it can easily be treated with antibiotics......lets pray that that is the problem...

I still don't have a computer at home but my roommate is out with her boyfriend.....so I am being sneaky and borrowing hers. I probably should log off.....but please keep your fingers crossed and your prayers going that they find out what is wrong with me. I'm so tired of being scared and not feeling like I'm myself.
* 2:14 PM

Thursday, February 08, 2001

I'm going home! I am totally exhausted.....and need to eat! I'm already starting to get woozy. I just downed a juice.....hopefully that will kick in soon. This is so frustrating. I wish someone would invent a body monitor so you can always know where your blood sugar level is. I WILL BE IN CONTROL OF THIS DEMON!!
* 2:12 PM

So, I am borderline hypoglycemic. The blood test showed that while I was fasting, my sugar level was normal. Two hours after I had eaten, my sugar level was at the lowest number still within the normal range. What happens is, after I eat, my sugar levels shoot up and then crash.....thusly, making me dizzy, rapid heart rate, weak, anxious, etc. The key now is my eating habits....which are far from normal. The Doctor says I should eat every TWO hours, a small balanced meal/snack. Good LORD!! Every two hours..... I am barely hungry at all. She says the worst thing I could do, is not eat. Grrrrrr... can't I just feel better already!
* 1:28 PM

I'm going down to medical at 2:00 to get my results from my blood test yesterday. Keep your fingers crossed!
* 10:32 AM

I was at work last night until 8:15!! I got here that morning at 8:15. It was a really long day. I totally missed Dawson's but from what I heard, Joey and Pacey DID IT!! I'll have to watch the tape tonight. I am super tired today....
* 6:29 AM

Wednesday, February 07, 2001

Thank goodness for David Baida! He is going to record Dawson's for me!!
* 4:48 PM

Shit- I'm going to miss Dawson's Crack!! I can't believe I am still at work. This totally sucks.
* 4:33 PM

Oh my.......I'm still at work! It looks like it's going to be another 12 hour day. Ho-hum.... I'm so sleepy. Giving blood takes a lot of energy out of you.....maybe I'll get a car home tonight!
* 3:53 PM

LOOK .....I'm listed on someone elses site!!! How frickin cool is that? It's under "blogs". I am "Jenn in the concrete jungle". I could just burst from excitement and flattery!
* 2:21 PM

Anybody go to Jewish camp as a kid? Remember this song-

It is a tree of life to them that hold fast to it and all of its supporters are (clap) happy, It is a tree of life to them that hold fast to it and all of its supporters are (clap) happppppppeeeeeeeeeey (lots of clapping). Shalom, Sha-a-a-lom (clap, clap, clap, clap) Shalom, Sha-a-a-lom (clap, clap, clap, clap), Shalom, Sha-a-a-lom (clap, clap, clap, clap), Shalom, Sha-a-a-lom (lots of clapping)

.......and then you keep repeating it! I can't help it.....that song has been in my head all afternoon. I thought I'd bring back some memories for any of you camp kids out there!
* 12:24 PM

Dawson's Crack tonight.......are Joey and Pacey really gonna "do it"?
* 11:44 AM

Had the second half of the blood test done. It was pretty painless. I used to be really squeemish when it came to shots and needles. Maybe I'm actually growing up. Now all I need to do is get used to flying on an airplane without being on medication! Then I'll really be a big girl!
* 11:28 AM

I feel a bit better today. I had a long talk with Jon last night. It was a very honest conversation. It really made me feel better about things. He's such a good guy; he's just as lost and confused as I am.
* 7:32 AM

The worse part right now is the tape on my hairy arm.......everytime I move, another hair is sharply removed......ow!
* 7:21 AM

I decided to take a mental health day yesterday. I stayed home and slept and slept and slept some more. It was very nice.

This morning, I had my first round of blood taken. I am having a glucose tolerance test. What happens is you fast for 12 hours and then they take your blood. Then, you go and eat breakfast and then two hours later, they take your blood again. Somehow, they measure how the food is broken down into sugars and absorbed into the body. How exciting. I hope it all comes back ok. I have to go back in an hour. Meanwhile, busy at work.....
* 7:15 AM

Monday, February 05, 2001

going home....
* 1:02 PM

On Friday night, I was sitting on a bench in a park in the middle of Union Square. I was waiting to have dinner with Tiffany. While sitting there, numb, I called my cousin Erin for some support. I cried and cried and she listened and reassured me that everything would be ok. I told her I just feel so alone here in New York. As I said that, a woman, about my age, walked by and smiled and said Oh my gosh, I feel thee exact same way. With tears streaming down my cheeks, I smiled back at her. Only in New York......
* 11:18 AM

I wonder how Jon is doing......if he misses me as much as I miss him?
* 11:08 AM

Still at work.......keeping busy......couldn't really eat much......it's snowing outside......will probably go home soon.
* 11:03 AM

I've spent the entire morning down in medical here at Merrill Lynch. I am a MESS. I'm way to weak to go into the whole thing......but basically, Saturday night, I went out with friends.....had an incredible night. I got up and sang at the bar, I played the tambourine, met new people, and then had a panic/hypoglycemic attack at 3:00 in the morning. I was awake and my whole body was shaking until 7:30 am. I thought I was going to die. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't think, and I couldn't sit still. Yesterday, I slept, drank juice, rented 2 movies, and just tried to feel normal in my own skin. I was still shakey, I am still shakey. So, this morning, I came in and felt like I was going to faint. My boss sent me down to medical where I literally fell over. They put me in one of the Doctor's offices, Andrea. She was so kind. She took my blood pressure, temperature, and did a blood sugar test. My temperature was below normal, my blood pressure was 102 over 55 which is SO LOW, and my blood sugar was 74. She said that normal is between 60 and 120. So, that was a little on the low side too. I am a big ole mess. She scheduled me for a glucose tolerance test for Wednesday. She thought I might have a small stomach virus which is why I'm not hungry and nauseous. I don't know. I sat and talked to a cousnselor for an hour and felt a little bit better. I think I am going to just go home soon. I'll eat a little bit and see how I feel...........I'm not sure this week could get any worse.
* 9:03 AM

Friday, February 02, 2001

My laptop is officially dead! I had the Merrill Lynch technical support guy, Kevin, try and fix it. He says it's useless. I am mourning the loss of my laptop. BUT, Kevin said that he's got a laptop that he never uses that is faster than mine was ........ AND that he is going to GIVE to me!! Can you believe that? So, only one more week without a computer at home. Kevin rocks!
* 2:02 PM

only one hour more.........then dinner with Tiffany, thank goodness.
* 1:29 PM

......*sigh*........... trying not to cry at work is kind of difficult......
* 12:45 PM

Jon and I broke up today. It would've been three years on the 14th. Valentine's day is REALLY going to suck this year.
* 12:40 PM

I am so bummed! My last post from yesterday never showed up because blogger was too busy! Damn.... I don't even remember what it was about now...... I'll have to think about it and rewrite it. What a pain.
* 6:33 AM

Thursday, February 01, 2001

Have you seen the "Kiss Kiss Bears" from Hallmark? They are so great. My boss's main secretary got them and put them on my desk for the day! They have magnetic stuff in their noses so they stick to each other. The first time she went to Hallmark to buy them, they only had boy bears! I know, I know.....why? Maybe people were only buying kissing girl bears. *hee hee hee* So, she tried to make the boy bears kiss but the magnets wouldn't connect!! Is there such a thing as a gay bear?
* 9:17 AM

Still dizzy today. I went downstairs to Medical here at Merrill Lynch. They took my blood pressure and temperature, checked my ears, checked my heart......all was good. The Doctor said it was just anxiety and stress! Isn't it crazy what New York can do to you? She said everything was a "stress inducer". The subway, auditions, work, the weather.....they're all stress inducers. So, why has it never bothered me before? Grrrrr.....
* 9:09 AM