{ jenn powazek }

This is Jenn's old site. Her new site is located at powazek.com/jenn.

{ jenntrooper }
...in the ultimate search of what makes me happy in this lifetime.

10/01/2000 - 10/31/2000
11/01/2000 - 11/30/2000
12/01/2000 - 12/31/2000
01/01/2001 - 01/31/2001
02/01/2001 - 02/28/2001
03/01/2001 - 03/31/2001
04/01/2001 - 04/30/2001
05/01/2001 - 05/31/2001
06/01/2001 - 06/30/2001
07/01/2001 - 07/31/2001
08/01/2001 - 08/31/2001
09/01/2001 - 09/30/2001
10/01/2001 - 10/31/2001
11/01/2001 - 11/30/2001
12/01/2001 - 12/31/2001
01/01/2002 - 01/31/2002
02/01/2002 - 02/28/2002
03/01/2002 - 03/31/2002
04/01/2002 - 04/30/2002
05/01/2002 - 05/31/2002
06/01/2002 - 06/30/2002
07/01/2002 - 07/31/2002
08/01/2002 - 08/31/2002
09/01/2002 - 09/30/2002
10/01/2002 - 10/31/2002
11/01/2002 - 11/30/2002

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Thursday, May 31, 2001

Off to the library to get some sheet music for my audition on Monday.....for Oklahoma. yuck....such a boring musical. Whatever- they called me in so I might as well go. It's for the Augusta Opera in Georgia! Eeeekk!
* 2:14 PM

ok, the stars are in alignment all of a sudden for me. I just got a call from Frank Schiro. Remember way back when, I went to see my friend, Jon Stewart in the reading of a new musical, The Happy Prince? And then we all went out afterwards with the lyricist? That is Frank!! (See the archive from April 3rd.) Anyhoo- he is doing a reading of a new musical of the Great Gatsby. He got my number from Tim Howard, my voice teacher, and wants me to do it....says he can't wait to hear me sing! Oh my gosh.....I am so excited. The showing is June 25th which means I will actually have DONE a show while I was here in New York! That's what I wanted to accomplish while I was here. Just at least one show! Now I can say I performed in New York! I think I may cry...... Isn't it funny how things just start to fall into place when you get on the right path?
* 9:03 AM

The front page of the New York Post today showed the Bush girls in trouble with the law. Supposedly they were caught trying to buy alcohol.....and they are only 19. Personally, I really don't care. Sorry Mom and Dad and any other family member who may be reading this, but I drank alcohol before I was 21. The first time I got drunk was at a choir party my senior year of High School! I never had a fake id but all of my friends did. I remember trying to get into a club using a friend's id. They didn't let me in though! Don't get me wrong, I am not a big drinker....never really was. But my point is.....do you care? Is it the public's business what the Bush daughters are doing? I thought the media was going to leave them alone.....I think the media SHOULD leave them alone. Check out my poll. Tell me what you think.
* 7:50 AM

Wednesday, May 30, 2001

Off to have dinner with Foote and do laundry! Exciting night! I usually look forward to Wednesday night's for Felicity but the season is over! Ah well- dinner with Foote will be fun! Dinner last night was AMAZING! Will write more on that later.
* 2:26 PM

Getting excited about moving to LA. I've been making lists and checking them 23 times!! I've got a list of items to sell, items to ship, items to throw away, items to give away, and items to take on the plane with me. Then I have a list of things I need to accomplish before I move (i.e. cancel gym membership, change address, send thank you notes to numerous Doctors, therapists, and temp agency). And I already started a list of things I need to do once I get to LA. AAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHH!!

This month, please refer to me as the List Queen!
* 10:08 AM

Tuesday, May 29, 2001

Tonight, I am off to meet David Baida (who is back from Florida), Jon Stewart (who is back from his tour), Colleen, and Sheetal (who I went to college with and haven't seen since 1997 when she went on tour with Cirque de Soleil) It should be very interesting. We are meeting for dinner downtown. I say it should be interesting because we all have history with eachother but never really history all together....plus, we all have very strong personalities. I hope there won't be any clashing! I'm sure it will be fine....good to catch up. I can't wait to see David. It's been forever!
* 1:48 PM

When I was up in Pennsylvania visiting Tiffany, we sat out on the grass and played MASH. Remember that game? I used to play it all the time in elementary school. It's where you write down names of boys, cars, and number of children....and then pick a number to find out your future husband, car, etc... It is so funny..... Anyhoo, I just looked on Heather's site and she has a link to play MASH. I'm not telling what mine was! hee hee hee.
* 7:31 AM

I did it.....I finally told work that my last day will be June 22nd.....that I am moving to LA. Oh- that was hard. Annette looked bummed but said she's not surprised. I'm glad I got that out....it's been bothering me all week.
* 6:17 AM

Saturday, May 26, 2001

I am having such a great time with Shane, my cousin....and her friends Kim and Marcy. Shane and Kim arrived Friday night around 8:45. We hung out at my house for a while and then walked up to my favorite local bar here in Astoria, McCann's. We caught up, had a few drinks, laughed a bunch, and then headed home.....in the rain! Good times!! So, this morning, we woke up around 9:00.....got ready....grabbed a bagel up the street, and then headed to the subway. I took them shopping at H&M (one of my favorite stores) and then to Urban Outfitters. Kim had seen my fortune cookie psychic teller and wanted one of her own. She got the fortune cookie horoscope teller. We all had to use it to see what our day would be like. Mine said "Learn from your mistakes". It was very appropriate for what ended up happening later in the evening.

After Urban Outfitters and a quick lunch at Xando's/Cosi's, we headed home to get ready for our evening. We had 11th row free tickets for Rent. Well, earlier in the week, I got an email from the boy. I had emailed him back...then he emailed me back....so, I emailed him once more and told him I would be in the audience Saturday night with my cousin and her friends. He said we should get drinks afterwards. Cool?!

We were all dressed up...looking cute....and went to Daniella's (a great Italian restaurant on 8th avenue) for dinner. After a great dinner, we headed to the theatre to pick up our tickets. There, I ran into Darryl....the other boy I met from Rent that same time I met the boy. We chatted, caught up, and talked about all of us hanging out after the show. YAY!! On our way out the door to get in line, I ran into the boy. He gave me a hug, said hello, and chatted with me for a while. He looked glad to see me....whatever? So, he said he was working on some sides for an audition he had coming up but he would work on it during the show (since he wasn't in the show that night.....he is a swing.) and then meet us outside of the theatre after the show. YIPPEE.....so, the show was awesome. The whole cast was very strong. We all really enjoyed it. After the show, we waited around for the boys...... Eventually, Darryl walked out.....alone. We chit chatted and then I said "Where's the boy?" And he said, "Didn't he tell you? He went home during intermission!" Ummmm.....I told him he was lying. Unfortunately, he wasn't. I was so bummed.... disappointed....irritated. I didn't get it. He said he'd meet us? What suddenly changed? And NO, he didn't tell me, call me, email me, nothing! He is O-U-T, OUT. I'm done. I thought it would be fun to all hang out tonight but he totally made me realize that I want nothing to do with him. He is so not worthy of my energy at all! He doesn't deserve it. SO, we ended up going out with Darryl to O'Flaherty's and had a few drinks. He called the boy from there and I talked to him. I really had nothing to say.....he asked how I liked the show, what we were up to, blah, blah, blah.........never apologized. I was just silent on the line. He talked for a while and then said to gjve the phone back to Darryl. Whatever.....DONE! What a jerk.

Now we are chillin here.....watching Deuce Bigalow and laughing a whole bunch! Aside from the whole "boy" disappointment, the night was lots of fun. I'm probably going to hit the sack soon. I'm beat. Not sure what the plan is for tomorrow. We'll play it by ear I guess.

Check out Derek's site. He's got his first story from Poland posted. It's really cool...I am so jealous......wish I was there! Thanks for the tip Heather! Fam, if you are reading this....I miss you and am sending you lots of love and prayers. I can't wait to hear about all of your experiences.

Hmmmmm....."Learn from your mistakes".......tonight, I think I have....
* 11:28 PM

Friday, May 25, 2001

Can I go home yet?
* 2:19 PM

I wonder how the fam is doing in Poland?
* 2:05 PM

So, of course they sent all of us an email saying due to the holiday, we are free to leave at 4:00. But, because my boss is the Vice President, I can't leave until he leaves! Grrrrr....EVERYONE has left already. In fact, if I sit too still, the lights turn off because no one else is here! *pout* I just want to go home, take a little nap, and get ready for Shane to come! Doesn't my boss want to go home? I do! Waaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh........I've already been here for 9 1/2 hours today. I worked 11 hours yesterday! :o(
* 2:04 PM

Randall has posted a FULL explanation of the Kaycee mess. There are some things about "Debbie" that I didn't know. I still shake my head in absolute disbelief over the whole thing. This is a trip....my friend Pedro is co-hosting a radio show in San Diego, CA. He said one of the topics that came up was a story of an internet hoax involving a girl named Kaycee. Can you believe how many people this story has reached? How many people were involved in one way or another. It really is amazing and sad at the same time.
* 8:00 AM

Oh yeah.....when I got home last night, there was a note on my door from Virginia, my crazy landlady. Apparently, she will be out of town, at her daughter's house this weekend! YAHOOOO! Let's have a party.
* 6:28 AM

Dinner with Emily last night was really good.....we had so much to talk about...so much to catch up on. AND, I got my favorite silver glasses back from her. She's had them for a year!! I am so stoked...I thought I lost them a long time ago. These glasses cost me almost 200 dollars! I am glad to have them back.

After dinner, I met up with Jeff. He hadn't seen the season finales of Buffy and Angel...and I had taped them. So, he came over and watched them....I gladly watched them for the second time....although, I missed bits and pieces because I was trying to clean the house. I finally sent him home and got to bed around 12:30 am. Needless to say, waking up at 5:30 this morning was really difficult! I'm working on my second cup of coffee....hopefully the caffeine will kick in soon!
* 6:26 AM

Thursday, May 24, 2001

Off to meet Emily for dinner tonight......should be interesting.....we haven't spoken or seen each other for almost a year. Kind of had a falling out. So, we are going to Maryanne's for burritos and margaritas. Then I have to get home and clean the house!! Shane is coming tomorrow night! YIPPEEE...and we have free tickets (curteousy of Uncle Jim) for Rent for Saturday night! *smile* Maybe I'll run into the Rent boy.... I wonder.....should I email him to say I am going to be seeing the show Saturday night? Or should I just wait and see if I run into him or not? Hmmmmmm.....could be interesting!
* 2:43 PM

This morning, I went to Duane Reade's (for those of you on the west coast, it's like a CVS or Savon Drug store)- I needed to buy a curling iron since mine broke yesterday. While I was there, I saw they were selling Pop Rocks. Remember those from like 1982? It's that candy that pops in your mouth...."taste the explosion"....."entertainment for your whole mouth". Oh my gosh....it is so much fun. I'm sitting at my desk, working for the Vice President of the legal department of Merrill Lynch and chomping on Pop Rocks! *hee hee hee* I'm going to buy a bunch of packs tomorrow!
* 10:46 AM

I know I've mentioned this before but I'm going to mention it again. If you haven't checked out The Glamorous Life yet, GO THERE!! It is absolutely hysterical. Especially all of my theatre friends that read this site.....go to that site. You will laugh your head off. It's written like a soap opera...with lots of episodes....they are up to 29 now. It follows a girl who hopes to be Broadway bound but instead is doing a nutty tour of The Count of Monte Cristo. It has me rolling on the floor with my belly aching from laughter. Please, go read some of this brilliant material. I promise, you'll get hooked!
* 9:44 AM

Take the Dawson's Creek Personality Test. See who you are most like in Capeside. It said I was most like Joey Potter.

Your Character: You're a hard worker, and you do your best not to let anyone know how just how smart you are. You avoid the spotlight - after all, you're afraid if you get too proud, it might jinx you. Because in spite of your talent and ability, you're jaded enough to be certain that something awful is just lurking around the corner. With a gift for detached sarcasm and a flair for the ironic, you could easily command the attention of a room, yet your inherent self-doubt often leaves you tongue-tied in spite of your verbal excellence. Your girl/boy-next-door charm makes you irresistible to the opposite sex… but they're likely to be your downfall. You can't bear to hurt anyone, and you tend to give into your fears of rejection by avoiding confrontation at all costs. Your lack of pretension and your natural beauty are your greatest strengths.

Bottom Line: You're selfless, loyal, and creative. All of these are great qualities, but you might want to try to add honesty to your list of assets as you have a habit of letting it fall by the wayside when the going gets tough. And don't be so afraid of the unknown… some of the best parts of life are the surprises.

Isn't that funny!!
* 8:06 AM

I am so glad I spent 15 minutes this morning, curling my hair! On days like this, I envy people who have naturally curly hair . It's so damp out, my straight hair held the curl for about 5 minutes. By the time I stepped out the door, it was completely flat! Now, I look like a big ole dork with my hair in two pigtails at the top of my head! hee hee hee....what do other people with straight hair do on days like today? :p
* 6:37 AM

I feel guilty asking this of you.....because when the whole Kaycee/Living Colours deal was going on, they asked for prayers for someone who wasn't even REAL, but.....I am going to ask anyway because this IS real. As real as real is in this existence...but don't get me started! Ok, my Dad, Step-Mom, and brother-Derek, are on a plane...as I write this....headed to Poland. I am nervous as all hell. There are very few things I don't like.....rollercoasters, really spicy food, and flying.....especially when it is three loved ones on the same flight. Eeeeekkkk.....so, if you have a chance....please think good flying thoughts for them. They are flying to Chicago first, meeting up with my step-sister and her hubby for dinner, and then flying non-stop to Warsaw. Oh my goodness......I pray they will all get there safe and sound.
* 5:22 AM

Two words.....Felicity rocks!!!
* 5:15 AM

Wednesday, May 23, 2001

The season finale of Buffy last night was A-MA-ZING!!! Wow....I was totally impressed. Tonight is an even more exciting night. Not only is it the 23rd, which is my lucky number.....but it is the season finales of Dawson's and Felicity. To all of my friends and family members.....Don't even THINK of calling me tonight. My ringer will be off. I will not be disturbed. hee hee hee....Ok, hi, my name is obsessed! :) Seriously though, I am really excited about this evening. Before any of the fun begins, I have a voice lesson.... although, that should be pretty fun as well! Still gloomy outside unfortunately. Weather reports are stating it should be like this all weekend. I am hoping that the New York weather newscasters are as reliable as they've been all year.....which is NOT reliable at ALL!! Remember that storm they said was going to bring 24 inches of snow? How much snow did we get? Like 6 inches!! It was supposed to be the storm of the year....right! I'm hoping the sun will make an appearance soon!
* 8:11 AM

Tuesday, May 22, 2001

Staying late at work.....I plan to be home in time for Buffy though. I think a bath is in order for this evening as well. Have you experience the Ginger Bath Milk from Origins? Oh my goodness....it is lovely. The whole ginger line...the salt rub...the lotion....it is all really wonderful. I'm almost out of the lotion.....time for s'more! My mood is slowly improving. Thank you to those of you who have sent emails. My faith in humanity is slowly returning. It's kind of an existential question though, to think about who is real and who isn't........what is real to some, may not be real to others......ok, I am going to stop right there. Enough for today! I'll ponder and tackle human existence tomorrow first thing......after my morning coffee.
* 2:52 PM

Didn't feel like writing yesterday.....I've had so much on my mind. Don't feel like writing today either. Not too much to say.... still working hard.....looking forward to the season finales of Buffy and Angel tonight....and Dawson's and Felicity tomorrow. Ummm.... my cousin, Shane, from Michigan is flying in on Friday for the weekend. I am totally looking forward to that. Got an email from the boy....yeah, remember him? I really don't! Not sure if I'll write him back. May not be worth it. Oy...that's all for now. It's a gloomy, rainy day outside.....kind of fits my mood.
* 8:54 AM

Sunday, May 20, 2001

I just finished reading my brother's story, Our Story .......and cried a whole bunch.....again. What he said really made sense to me and I fully agree with it. After much thought and an overwhelming amount of different emotions....and a little nap....I've come to a few conclusions.

First of all "Kaycee" meant many things to me. I have had some people in my life who have had cancer, AIDS, and other terminal illnessses. I have had an extremely hard time in all of those situations. I don't deal well with loss whether it is medically related or not....in any sense.....death is a difficult concept for me....it's about letting go. "Kaycee" wasn't afraid at all, and I admired that. I thought about this person, whom I'd never met, all of the time. I looked forward to her blogs every morning. I couldn't wait to hear about what she'd conquered everyday. I really saw "her" as a true warrior. But I think the biggest thing that drew me to "her".....the thing that I felt most inspired by, was "her" determination to survive and her positive outlook on humanity and life. I felt we had something in common. Not to compare cancer or any serious illness to my life, but, I thought we were both fighting our own battles. Here I was/am, alone in New York, fighting for what I've always dreamed of.....struggling.... trying to find my way, discover who I am and what I want. I am quickly becoming bitter, disenchanted, impatient here in New York. I saw "Kaycee", who was facing death head on, with so much more strength and will than I've ever had. I couldn't help but be drawn into her story. These last couple of weeks I've tried to be more optimistic of things, tried to accomplish what I can NOW instead of later because who knows where I'll be later, and have been so incredibly thankful for my health and all of the things I am blessed with. For these reasons, I am thankful to have had this experience with who I knew to be "Kaycee".

On the downside though, I am livid with "Debbie". How dare she manipulate me into having all of these emotions! Yes, the emotions were real.....yes, it was my decision to feel those things..I take full responsibility for that.....but I feel robbed. I think telling stories is a great form of therapy. Hell, that's what I'm doing! But, why couldn't she have told the stories not in first person? Not pretended that there was truly a sufferring young girl. It would have been just as effective that way instead of creating this fictional character for people to have real feelings for! Yes, when you read a book, you have true feelings for the characters....but you still know in the back of your mind that these are fictional characters....not real people. Sure, "Debbie" says she based these stories on three separate people but the bottom line is KAYCEE WAS NOT REAL.....and we were lead to believe that she was.

So that leads me to my final thought.....who do you trust? How do you know what stories are real and what stories are fabricated. This whole experience has really jaded me.....made me so leary....and that is just sad. Here I've developed some relationships online with a few different people, and I sit here.....questioning who they really are. Who knows....maybe they are asking themselves the same questions about me? What if I wasn't really a 25 year old actress living in New York who just had a major break up with her boyfriend. All of you folks who have sent me such incredible emails of support and encouragement. What if I was really a 45 year old man, living in Virginia, working in a pet store, who was wanking your chains? How would you feel? Wouldn't you feel taken advantage of for actually putting yourself out there on my behalf? Being conned? That's how I feel with this whole situation. I don't know who to believe anymore. To be honest, I don't even believe this "Debbie" woman is real.....and I don't believe BWG....I don't trust any of them.

I've always said that everything happens for a reason.....and I still believe that. I'm sure there was a reason that this became part of my life.....I'm just not sure what that reason is right now.
* 9:13 PM

My brother just called me with some very disturbing news. Apparently, Kaycee, who I've been heartbroken over for the last couple of days, was made up. She was not a real person. I am absolutely sick......disgusted..... feel like I've been taken advantage of. I really don't know what to believe. If you look at supposedly her "mom's" site, she explains that she was telling stories of three different people who all had cancer. This was her way of dealing with her grief.....by telling these stories. The problem is.....she wasn't telling stories of three different people. She made us believe in a character named Kaycee.....she made us feel for her......and it's all a bunch of shit. I am so angry right now.....feel terribly abused and manipulated. In fact, I am way too angry now to write anymore. I am going to sit and process this all for a while and then I'll post later. I'm in shock. So, her banner is taken down........I just can't believe it.

By the way......everything I write on this site is the TRUTH.....it is all actually taking place in my life. Just in case you were starting to doubt that what you read on the web is true or not......I know I am.

Oh yeah....my audition was great. Thanks for the positive vibes.
* 2:58 PM

Saturday, May 19, 2001

Nothing too exciting going on....I rented Best in Show last night. TOTAL disappointment. It was not even a quarter as funny as Guffman or Drop Dead Gorgeous. I was so bummed. The previews looked hilarious. I wonder if it is because I was watching it by myself, at home? Some movies are funnier when seen at a movie theatre with a bunch of people. Oh well.....the bath was good! :)

Today.....an amazing voice lesson. So excited about the changes going on. I'm off to bed early because I am auditioning tomorrow for Into the Woods.....being revived on Broadway this year. I can't wait to sing for these casting directors.....I am PERFECT for the role of Little Red, and I kick ASS at the song! SO, keep your fingers crossed and send good vibes tomorrow, if you can! Thank you. I'll let you know how it goes. Off to bed I go!
* 7:58 PM

Friday, May 18, 2001

Going home....renting a movie....taking a bath...turning off the phone.... in no particular order!
* 2:30 PM

Derek just saved the world!! It is now all fixed! Thank goodness....I was going nuts. Thank you Michael, for trying to help. That was crazy. I am never messing with my template again without having a pow wow with Derek first!! Oy....I'm off to therapy! hee hee hee
* 12:39 PM

Did you see my tribute to Kaycee? It's down by my counter. I looked at and just smile....I know she would be stoked about that!
* 12:07 PM

Ok, I think I've fixed it....or is Derek helping me??
* 12:06 PM

Jenny -- I fixed your site. Call me. -- D
* 12:04 PM

HELP!!! I've royally screwed up my site!!
* 10:53 AM

Alright, so now that I have a counter....I know y'all are visiting my site. So, do me a huge favor....make me smile today....SIGN MY GUESTBOOK....please? thank you kindly! What am I....Southern today? I was born in Memphis, Tennessee ya know?
* 8:28 AM

Oh, I forgot to tell you.....the funniest part of the show was at intermission. Andrea and I were standing next to our row chatting about what we liked and what we didn't like. We overheard this older, New Yorker woman, definitely a smoker......she was talking to her friend sitting next to her. Read it like the Coffee Talk lady from Saturday Night Live. She said....

I'm so upset. I thought they'd sing that song Bells Are Ringing. Oh well- maybe it'll be in the second act.

How funny is that? There's no song called Bells Are Ringing?!! I guess it was just the way she said it that cracked me up. I laughed about that statement all night.
* 7:35 AM

Bells Are Ringing was.......ok. It wasn't great, it was light and fluffy and just ok. Faith Prince and Marc Kudish were vocally great but sometimes didn't seem totally committed to what they were doing. The choreography was great at times but I don't think he used the space as well as he could of. That theatre is so wide and tall.....they could have done so much more....not only with the choreography but also with the sets. It was kind of plain......needed to be larger than life. Oh well.... I think it's closing anyway. I'm glad I got to see it for free....I would have been much more disappointed if I paid big bucks to see it!

Spending time with Andrea was great too. I really like her....we caught up with her boyfriend, Joel, after the show and grabbed a drink at Otis. I didn't drink though.....I was way too tired. I just hung out for an hour and then headed home. It was a really long day.....I've had so much on my mind....looking forward to the weekend.
* 7:15 AM

Look!! I got a counter on my site....how cool is that?
* 6:43 AM

Thursday, May 17, 2001

Off to have dinner with Andrea and see Bells Are Ringing starring Faith Prince! Should be ok....the reviews were sucky. It's been one crazy day.....thank goodness it's almost over!
* 2:34 PM

Thanks to BWG, I just found out this information.

Out of respect for the family, I will not be going into detail about the circumstances of kaycee's passing. I can tell you it was not the cancer (Leukemia). She had beaten it, as we knew she would....and while her liver was slowly giving out, that was not the cause. There was a ruptured vein, and nothing could be done to stop it. Kaycee did not suffer. It was her wish to go quickly when the time came. Debbie was with her throughout, as she always has been.

I'm so glad she didn't suffer. Thank you BWG for the information.
* 8:56 AM

I've spent most the entire morning reading through Kaycee's archived blogs. My heart burns for all of the things she went through. I sit here in amazement at how strong and positive she stayed. It is so admirable.....there are no words that can describe these feelings.....I'm blown away.....I wish I would have had the chance to meet her....maybe some day.....
* 8:42 AM

Wednesday, May 16, 2001

Off to meet my friends Dena and Colleen for dinner. We all went to college together at UCI......Dena is intown from LA for the week. Should be fun......not sure where we are going yet....we're going to meet in the city. Then I will rush home in time for the last half of Dawson's and for FELICITY!! Did you hear? Felicity has been picked up for another year! I couldn't be happier.
* 1:58 PM

My house is about 11 blocks from the subway....so occassionally, I take the bus down Ditmars.....it's actually only a ten minute walk but if I'm running late or feeling lazy, I hop on the bus. Anyhoo, I got on the bus this morning and realized that my metro card had run out. Grrrrrr....so, I looked in my wallet, in my backpack, in my pockets...and all I could scrounge up was 95 cents. Well, the fare for the bus is $1.50. I knew the bus driver was going to give me grief......so, I waited until we got to my stop and then slowly approached him. I said....

I'm sorry, but all I have is 95 cents!

and he mumbled something......

What? I asked....figuring he would tell me never to get on his bus without the correct change or something like that... but what he said was....

As pretty as you are, it's ok!

I thanked him and told him to have a good day. Sometimes I just don't have faith in the goodness of people.....I need to work on that.
* 7:24 AM

Happy Birthday to you,
happy birthday to you,
happy birthday to my-big-brother-Derek,
happy birthday to you!!

Have an amazing day Derek! I am sending you sunshine, smiles, laughter, and good vibes today on your 28th birthday....you big boy! Love you lots......

Hey, here's a thought.....the best present you could give him would be to take 2 minutes and go vote for {fray} at the Webby Awards! *smile* I am such the proud little sister!
* 6:18 AM

Tuesday, May 15, 2001

I just found out the most awful news. Kaycee passed away yesterday. She was 19 and had battled cancer three times......and beat it....but her liver was so worn down.....I don't know exactly what happened but it was beyond help. She fought as hard as she could and had thee best attitude out of anyone I've ever known. I've been following her blog for the last year. She has given me so much inspiration from her writings. I never met her but I really felt a connection to her......I felt like I knew her. I had sent her an email exactly two months ago....thanking her for all of her words of wisdom and encouragement and for sharing her story with me. She wrote me back-

Wow ;-) Thanks Jenny

I hope our days are always filled w/ the *beautiful days*
I have a ways to go...but I'm still smiling

sending love and sunshine your way.
kaycee ;-)

I'm still smiling too, Kaycee, and will forever remember your strength, your persistence to uncover the beauty of all things, and your love for life and friendship. I think you are absolutely amazing and am so sad to have never met you!!

........my thoughts and prayers are with your family and friends.
* 12:30 PM

My trip to Pennslyvania was a huge success! I had such a blast. The weekend was full of amazing moments....the drive itself was so great. I really needed to get away...by myself. It took about four hours to get there. It was already dark out so I wasn't able to see how beautiful Pennsylvania was. On my way back on Sunday, it was still light out so I got to see what I had missed. Tons of trees, green plains, hills, bridges......breath taking. You know, in New York.....during the winter, you get so used to bare trees, frozen branches, and grey skies......suddenly when Spring hits.....it just opens your eyes to the beauty of the east coast. Don't get me wrong, I still want to move back to California.....but this weekend, I really started to appreciate some of the beauty here. All of the green.......

Saturday, I had brunch with Jon and Foote.....chatted a bit....and then saw the matinee of Annie Get Your Gun. They were awesome! I was so proud.....they really looked great up there. *smile* After the show, we grabbed some dinner and then I headed out to Boiling Springs to see Tiffany's show. Smoke on the Mountain, was a bizarre show.....it's about the Saunders' family....kind of a singing, playing musical instruments, Holy Roller family. That was the weird part.....it took place on Christmas eve and so all of the songs were Christmas songs. The show didn't appeal to me but Tiffany was hysterical. She played June, one of the Saunder's children who can't sing....so she signs everything. The funny part is A.-no one is deaf in the congregation, and B.- her signing is all mostly made up stuff. Some of it is real but the majority of it is made up. It was so funny....I was totally crying from laughing so hard. She really did an amazing job. So, after that show, she introduced me to the cast....chit-chatted a bit, and then the both of us headed back to Hershey for the evening. On our way, we stopped at a 7-11 and got SLURPEES (yeah, that's right Michael!! I finally got my slurpee....a Mountain Dew Slurpee!! YUM.) and we picked up a bunch of chips, chocolates, pop-tarts, and oreos! We were set for the drive. On our way back to Hershey, we caught up, sang Counting Crows at the top of our lungs, and just laughed and ate!

We finally got to the Days Inn in Hershey around midnight. Foote and her friend Julia and Jon and his friend Holly were waiting for us....beers in hand. We hung out for a little bit and then headed to Sharkey's....a trashy bar/club that was down the street. This bar was so interesting.....really loud music, lots of people, but it just looked like an old wherehouse. We stayed there till the wee hours of the morning drinking, dancing, and talking to crazy people! *hee hee hee* It was a wild night. Totally exhausted, we walked back to the hotel....all linked together, laughing, stumbling........got to the hotel and CRASHED!!

In the morning, we dragged our asses out of bed....I was still in the same clothes I wore the night before. I jumped in the shower, got all refreshed, put on clean clothes, brushed my teeth, and headed out to brunch at Friendly's with the gang. We got a pot of coffee to go around....I think we all needed it. ME especially...I still had to drive Tiffany back to Boiling Springs and then drive all of the way back to New York. Although, I felt bad for Foote and Jon too because they had two shows that day. That's got to be difficult on a hangover and only a couple of hours sleep. After brunch, fat and happy, I dropped Foote and Jon off at the hotel, said my goodbyes and love you's, and then headed off to Boiling Springs with Tiff. When we got there....I was suddenly aware that Spring had hit. When I had seen the show the night before, it was dark out so I couldn't see how beautiful it was there. Her show was on a resort hidden away in the hills. It kind of reminded me of Camp Hiltop.....the Jewish camp I used to go to when I was younger....and then later as an adult, I went as a counselor! It had the same kind of woodsy, nature, cabin-like feeling to it. Sunday afternoon, Tiffany took me down to the fishing creek....where we sat by the water and just talked. It not only was Mother's day....but it was also my Grandma's birthday. I had been thinking about both of them a lot. My mom and I think of my Grandma when we see butterflies. She always loved butterflies....in fact, I have some coasters and a wind chime that were hers...that have butterflies all over them. As I was sitting there.....looking at the water.....a yellow butterfly flew up beside me. It took my breath away. I watched it fly over the water and then back to me....it began circling the two of us. I told Tiffany it was my grandma coming to say hello. I said, "Happy Mother's day and happy birthday Grandma!!." The butterfly circled me once more and then headed out into the trees. I immediately picked up my cell phone and called my mom. "I just saw Grandma!"...I told her. She took a deep breath...."yeah?" she said.....definitely with tears in her eyes...I could just tell.

The story continues.....when I got off of the phone, there was this woman standing next to me with her husband and young son. She said that she overheard my conversation and that her brother is a butterfly too. She had a butterfly pin on her coat......she proceeded to tell me her story about her brother.....I told her about my grandma....and Tiffany spoke about her grandma. Tears were slowly forming in my eyes. We concluded that the yellow butterfly was her brother and my grandma.....coming to say hello. We wished her a happy mother's day, gave her a hug, and walked on into the green forest of trees.....

What an amazing weekend....the whole way home I just thought and sang and thought some more and remembered and reminisced. So therapeutic....... yes, I sat in a bunch of traffic....but, it didn't bother me at all. It wasn't like being in a stopped subway car, surrounded by people breathing on you and listening to other people's conversations.....I was in my own car, listening to music, and singing my heart out. I will forever remember this adventure.

Also this weekend.....congratulations are in order to Erin, my cousin....graduated from the University of Arizona, Tali, my bestest friend in the whole world.....graduated from Loyola Law School, and Jon, who finally graduated from the Boston Conservatory. Congratulations to all of you....I am so very proud and love you all very much.
* 9:57 AM

Happy Birthday, Barb!! Barb is my cool step-mom.....as opposed to the wicked step-mother we've always read about. She was never wicked. *hee hee hee* Have a wonderful day, Barb!!
* 9:41 AM

Friday, May 11, 2001

Last night was a lot of fun.....awkward at times......but still, it was so good to see Jon. He did really well at his showcase. I ran into the agent that I was freelancing with last year....who dropped me like a dirty whore. She was totally avoiding eye contact with me... so, I decided to approach her to say hello. Be the bigger person....I knew she saw me....she just didn't want to talk to me, I guess. But, I marched up to her before the show started. She was totally rude and fake and said hello. I asked her if she remembered me....and she said "Yes, Jenny, right?" I wanted to say, "Yeah, you bitch....why do you hate me?" But I didn't....we just exchanged "how are you's" and "it was good to see you's" with my fakest smile, and then I walked away.....angry. I really don't know what happened or what I did to her....but for some reason, she doesn't like me very much. That was such an ugly situation. I was sorry I approached her. I should've just ignored her the way she was ignoring me. What a ho.

I went with Jeffrey to the showcase....so the three of us hung out and got some drinks afterwards. Good times! The three of us used to hang out all of the time together before Jon and I started dating. We'd just get together and laugh. *smile* It was the same way last night.

Tonight, I am driving to Pennsylvania. I've rented a car and am off on a journey. My friend's Jon Stewart and Jen Foote are doing the tour of Annie Get Your Gun and are in Hershey, PA this week.....AND my good friend Tiffany is doing a show in Boiling Springs, PA....just 30 minutes from Hershey. So, I'm going to see both of their shows and spend some quality time with my friends. How great is that? I am totally looking forward to getting out of the city, putting on some music and just driving. So excited....can't wait to hit the road.

P.S.- Don't worry mom and dad....I have really good directions, my glasses, my cell phone, and insurance on the car! I will be OK and will call you from Pennsylvania. :)
* 11:00 AM

Did y'all vote for Fray yet at the webby awards? If not, DO IT!!!!
* 10:32 AM

Thursday, May 10, 2001

Busy day at work.....off to see Jon's showcase tonight.......
* 12:43 PM

Wednesday, May 09, 2001

Tonight Dawson's and Felicity!! Anyone see Buffy or Angel last night? I taped them and haven't watched it yet. Were they good?
* 10:03 AM

Last night, Jeffrey and I met up in Union Square after work. We got front row seats to Bat Boy, an off-broadway musical. It was really bizarre. At the beginning, I didn't like it....didn't understand it. But it slowly won me over. I was laughing through the whole show. Jeffrey knew Deven, the guy who played the bat boy. And we both knew the conductor, Jason.....he played the piano in No, No, Nanette when we did it in San Diego three years ago. He is a very talented and funny guy. I remember he and Justin, the conductor, used to put on funny wigs and glasses in the pit and try to make all of us laugh on stage. Totally professional! hee hee hee. So, we hung out with Deven a bit after the show. What a nice guy.....SO INCREDIBLY TALENTED. He was really fierce. We talked about things we missed back in San Diego.....Alberto's mexican food.....yummy. On my way home, my cell phone rang. It was Jeff. Let me just take a moment to differentiate Jeff and Jeffrey. Jeff is the friend I met through Tiffany....the one I had sushi with. Jeffrey is my friend from San Diego that just moved to the city a couple of months ago....we did No, No, Nanette together. Both of them are FRIENDS. :) Ok, on my way home Jeff called to see how the show was and to chat. I told him I was just getting off of the subway....and since it was already midnight, he met me at the train station with his rollerblades and walked me home. How sweet is that? Both Jeff's are really nice guys!

Kind of tired today.....didn't sleep so well last night. Too much on my mind.....should be an interesting rest of the week.
* 6:20 AM

Tuesday, May 08, 2001

Congratulations to my friend, Kate Levering for her Tony nomination.....Best Supporting Actress in a Musical. You go Miss Peggy Sawyer....Miss Allentown.....Miss 42nd Street! I am so stoked for you. First you are on the cover of Time Out NY magazine, then a nomination for a Fred Astaire Award and an Outer Critics Award, and now a Tony nomination!!! You are on fire!! Congratulations.
* 5:44 AM

Met Jeff last night downtown.....went to Whole Foods for some sushi and cookies....went back to his house to eat....watched some tv.....went to my house to watch last weeks Angel.....played some indoor soccer....laughed a bunch....sent him home....and then went to bed. It was such a fun night. I actually forgot all about the tomato soup I had all over my pants!
* 5:37 AM

The Adventures of Tom Sawyer is closing on Sunday. I didn't get a chance to see it but I heard from everyone who did that it was awful.....bad story, bad music, and not great actors. It only got two Tony nominations for the production team.....not even up for Best Musical. Oh well......I guess I'm kind of glad that I didn't get that show. I was up for it......at the final cut....but didn't end up booking it. Hmmmmm....everything happens for a reason......
* 5:33 AM

Happy Birthday, Jon.
* 5:29 AM

Monday, May 07, 2001

Thank goodness....Jeff just called....my new friend Jeff. We're going to hook up after work for some sushi. Hallelujah! Although, I might have to stop in the Gap to get a pair of pants....these look horrendous with tomato soup stains all over them!
* 2:11 PM

shitty day continues.......
* 1:20 PM

It must be Monday.....I just spilled tomato soup ALL over my khaki pants and white shirt. Seriously ALL over the right side. I am so embarrassed. Thank goodness one one of the secretaries had some Shout wipes......I hope it comes out! Guess who is doing laundry tonight?
* 10:12 AM

wow.....everyone is kind of pissy today at work. There is a weird energy going on here. Is it time to go home yet?
* 9:48 AM

I have to admit.....I got my ASS kicked at Scrabble last night. Jeffrey and I hung out most of the day....ate....drank....and watched the basketball games. Yeah Lakers!! Boo Toronto!! They were really good games. Shaq is so huge...it totally makes me laugh! Anyhoo- I was ahead in Scrabble for a good portion of the game. I even had the Q and W! But, then Jeffrey put the word six down and the "s" completed another word and the "x" was on a double word square. Holy hell.....he ended up getting like 45 points for that word. I was blown away. When we finished the game, he won by 10 points. It was such a good game.....even though I lost!
* 7:15 AM

Sunday, May 06, 2001

I haven't written in the past couple of days because I've been out having fun! How cool is that? Friday, I didn't work because I had an audition for another production of Joseph. They called me in for the Narrator which is an awesome role. I played the narrator, opposite Bill Hutton, the original Joseph on Broadway, almost 5 years ago. So, I already know the material and can kick some bootie on it! They wanted to hear something from the show so I sang Pharoah's Story.....the Narrator's big song at the beginning of Act II. I felt REALLY GOOD about it. It think it was probably the best I'd ever done it.....acting wise and vocally. They seemed impressed.... said "wow! That was really great!" Whatever, you never know.....they could be looking for someone tall, fat, and some other sort of ethnicity for the role....we'll see....

At the audition, I ran into one of my tap teachers that I had at UC Irvine, Carlos Jones! He is an amazing tapper, teacher, and choreographer. He was auditioning for Joseph too! We sat and chatted for a while. I didn't recognize him at first because he's lost like 60 pounds....he looks amazing. I hope he isn't sick! He looked ok......we exchanged phone numbers. He said he's working on some choreography and needs singers who tap! Nice.....said he'd call me and we could work on some new material! EXCELLENT!

After my audition, I had a voice lesson. It was probably the best one yet! Tim even said I hit a milestone with some of the stuff I was doing/working on! I felt so great......then I headed into the city to meet Jeffrey. We got some ice cream.....walked around a bit....and then headed back to my place. We decided to just order some Chinese food and chill out for the evening.....watched the basketball game. Poor Knicks....Toronto kicked our ass! What was up with Sprewell? He missed those two free shots at the end.....I think he was just pissed off and over the whole game already! Whatever....it was a good game!

Saturday.....CINCO DE MAYO!! Jeffrey and I got up, drank some coffee outside because it was absolutely beautiful out.....talked about life....relationships....the relationships you have with your significant others parents....the expectations that come along with that.....what makes us a "man" or a "woman" instead of a "boy" and a "girl"....how neither of us feel like an adult yet......stuff like that. It was such a good conversation. After that, we got ready and went to see Blow. GO SEE IT!! It really is an amazing movie in all respects.... the actors are fierce, the book is good (it's based on a true story), and the direction was excellent. I totally liked it. Then we headed back to my place....caught up with our other friend Jeff....and headed to Fresca Tortilla for some real Mexican food.....although, everyone that worked there was Chinese? Interesting! On our way home, we picked up some Coronas and limes for some Cinco de Mayo fun! None of us felt like going into the city or being at a bar for the night.....it would probably be nuts. We just decided to hang at my house, play some Nintendo 64- Mario Karts, and watch Rush Hour. All in all, it was a great couple of days!

Today, just drinking coffee, doing laundry, cleaning up the house, and getting ready for my week......
* 8:38 AM

Thursday, May 03, 2001

Going outside to get some sun.......
* 10:48 AM

Can you believe it is 10 degrees warmer here in New York than it is in Los Angeles!! It's going to be 90 degrees today. We never had a spring....we just went straight to summer. That is so crazy! I'm going to go lay out during my lunch break!
* 8:56 AM

Happy Birthday, Pedro/Deelio/James!! Hope you are having an amazing day! Thinking of you....
* 8:01 AM

Wednesday, May 02, 2001

It is so beautiful outside right now. I just got a sandwich and went outside.....sat by the water (the Hudson river) and pulled up my pant legs and layed out! It was absolutely wonderful! The wind is blowing so it doesn't feel too hot. Weather.com claims it is 89 degrees out. I am ecstatic......and a little burnt! *hee hee hee*
* 11:28 AM

I just read on Heather's site that today is free ice cream day at Ben and Jerry's!! HOT DOG! Guess where I am going after work today? Thank's for the tip, Heather!!
* 8:07 AM

Having a big brother is a BIG deal to me. Even though we don't always see eye to eye, there's really nothing I wouldn't do for him. As y'all know, Derek is the shit when it comes to writing stories and designing web pages. He is responsible for the very cool heading at the top of my site! He began a website five years ago called {fray}. The site is devoted to storytelling.....individuals personal stories. Fray has reached thousands of people all over the world and continues to be a place where you can freely express yourself and/or read and relate to other peoples experiences and journeys. Fray has been nominated for TWO Webby awards....in the personal and community categories!! Please......if you haven't visited fray before....go and see for yourself just how amazing it is. If you are a fan of fray, go VOTE. It only takes a minute to register! Tell all of your friends. Fray has grown so much and really deserves this award.....come on, I'm the little sister.....I can be proud can't I?
* 7:20 AM

Tuesday, May 01, 2001

Jon Stewart, my good friend, BREAK A LEG tonight in your first performance in Annie Get Your Gun! If you happen to be in Naples, Florida, go see Annie Get Your Gun and give Jon a big hug for me!!
* 2:12 PM

It's Lei Day today in Hawaii. I was just walking downstairs and got leid!! How cool is that? hee hee hee. Along with my beautiful, fresh orchids-lei from Hawaii, I got a card that explains why they are handing them out to everyone.

In Hawaii, Lei Day is celebrated on May 1st on every island since 1928. It is a day when people take special pride in the making, wearing and giving of lei. Lei Day honors Hawaii's cultural heritage and lei making as a treasured art form. Since Hawaii's earliest days, the giving of a lei has been a symbol of love and affection. It is Hawaii's way to say welcome or farewell, thank you, and congratulations. The giving of a lei can celebrate a special occasion - a birthday, graduation, promotion - or just appreciation.

Happy Lei Day to all of you!
* 11:29 AM

Well, I didn't go to the audition this morning! I woke up with the most awful cramps and a huge headache...right in my eye sockets. Dontcha just love being a woman? Grrrrrr..... I just knew I wouldn't be able to get through a huge dance call when I could barely open my eyes and barely open my body up from its fetal position. So, I slept some more and came into work at noon. They knew I'd be late from my audition anyway....so, I figured I'd take some advil, sleep until 10:00, and then go into work. I still need to be making money, you know! oh.....the frustration.......
* 10:21 AM